Last night I attended a Hampshire Unitary Authority meeting at which a visionary scheme was unveiled to regenerate the prosperity of the county and deliver untold benefits to the environment. A consortium led by Cruddy Homes UK and DeSpoile Land PLC set out plans to expand Winchester, Chandler’s Ford and Southampton and create a new unified mega city in the south. But the plans do not stop there and the developers seem to have thought of everything. To provide a constant water supply and dramatically improve amenity space for wildlife, they will create a network of vast reservoirs in the New Forest by damming and flooding the national park’s notorious valley mires, using water abstracted from the River Test.

Rupert Sleaze, representing the consortium of developers, spoke eloquently about the win-win benefits of the development for both residents and the environment. He said ‘None of this would be possible without the Planning and Infrastructure Bill which passed through parliament a few years ago. Following the recent election and landslide victory of the Alternative for England Party we anticipate that things will only get better for Great British developers.’

The meeting was interrupted briefly when a lone protester from the proscribed organisation JUST STOP SEWAGE demanded to know about the fate of the River Itchen, sewage treatment and the ecology of the New Forest. He was quickly overpowered by councillors, ejected and subsequently arrested under anti-terrorism laws, which readers will remember were strengthened in the last session of parliament.

Unfazed by this disturbance, Rupert continued ‘In answer to some of the points raised, as developers and champions of growth we do not see it as our role to tackle infrastructure issues such as sewage, electricity supply and road traffic. However, as responsible agents we plan to go beyond compliance and provide solutions to some of the issues highlighted.’

‘Regarding sewage, we plan to adopt and build on the new Government scheme that encourages people to take responsibility for their own motions. Dubbed ‘Digging for Britain’ we will create homes with gardens large enough to bury your own waste. And for those caught short while out and about, we will introduce a new ‘People’s Poo Bag’ scheme so that their contributions can be collected and incinerated. After all, the amount of sewage created by humans in Britain pales into insignificance when compared to dog and cat excrement and urine deposited in the countryside. And nobody complains about that.’

‘For those who continue to want to exercise their right to flush, we plan to canalise and enclose the River Itchen so that the effects of sewage discharges on public perception are kept to a minimum. That’s something we will be doing anyway since the planned housing expansion will need to make use of the otherwise worthless floodplains that fringe the River Itchen.’

‘From an environmental perspective the New Forest reservoir network will more than compensate for any changes made to the Itchen waterway and soggy ground affected by the development. It will generate a staggering 85% offsite Biodiversity Net Gain. Reservoirs provide benefits to the environment in so many other ways. For example, by their very nature the national park’s valley mires are inaccessible to the public and a breeding ground for mosquitoes, with consequences for public health. By flooding these areas with water from the chalk-stream-fed River Test we will ensure a welcome change to the water chemistry; and the introduction of fish will both solve the problem of biting insects and allow anglers to interact with nature. Widely accessible margins and leisure activities will also provide a clear benefit to wildlife, specifically dogs, which will be catered for with bespoke bathing areas and margins embellished with behavioural enrichment facilities for our canine friends.’

Above: Innovative ecological planning means that the reservoirs’ margins will be profiled to attract migrant and wintering waders and wildfowl. These nature reserves are all part of the drive to create behavioural enrichment opportunities for dogs. After all, there’s nothing they like better than chasing birds!

‘Working with utility partners, our holistic approach to water-related issues means that water company shareholders’ dividends will be safeguarded, something that is essential for growth in the UK economy. And lastly, to address the renewable energy elephant in the room, the reservoirs’ dams will provide opportunities for hydroelectricity generation when water is discharged to service the needs of the community.’

Rupert ended his presentation by saying ‘Given the unequivocally positive nature of this scheme, we assume it will be welcomed with open arms and do not anticipate any resistance. However, if minor difficulties do arise, we are confident that our close relationship with the Secretary of State will mean that the over-riding public interest trump card will ensure the project receives approval at the highest level.’

The current Hampshire Unitary Authority Mayor Mimi Vane spoke in passionate soundbites about the project. Clearly a communicator and influencer for the modern age, she described the project as ‘@Savage‘ and ‘#Well Lit‘. Readers will recall that Mimi, aged 16, was elected following sweeping changes made to voting rights and procedures last year. In an unprecedented and bold new step, the ballot that elected her took place on social media following her rise to stardom on the hit reality series ‘Stab in the Back’.

After the meeting ended, I spoke to Sir Conrad Lucely-Phitting of the Federation for Growth and Resource Exploitation and he commended the project. He went on to say ‘Thanks to the federation’s cosy rapport with decision-makers in government, there are plans in the next session of parliament to introduce a Conservation Levy to be imposed on environmental groups and their members and professional ecologists. It’s only fair that those who promote the environment and seek to benefit from biodiversity should be made to pay for the privilege. Why should the rest of society have to suffer the consequences of their barmy beliefs and foot the bill?’

In case you are wondering, this is a spoof news article. However, this fiction could in theory become reality if the Planning and Infrastructure Bill passes without amendment.